Emotion Coaching: A Powerful Tool to Support Children’s Mental Health and Counselling Outcomes
- Felicity Botterill
- May 27
- 8 min read
Emotion coaching is a proven, compassionate approach that helps children understand and manage their emotions. It is especially effective when used alongside counselling or therapy, providing a consistent emotional framework both in and out of the therapeutic space. For parents, carers, educators, and mental health professionals, emotion coaching is a valuable tool to support children’s emotional development and long-term mental wellbeing.
What Is Emotion Coaching?
Emotion coaching is a compassionate and practical approach to parenting and therapeutic support, developed by psychologist Dr John Gottman. Rooted in research on emotional intelligence, it focuses on helping children feel understood and supported as they navigate their emotions.
At its core, emotion coaching is about recognising what a child is feeling, validating that experience, and gently guiding them towards expressing and managing those emotions in a healthy way. Rather than responding to emotional outbursts with punishment or quick fixes, this approach encourages adults to pause, get curious, and connect.
It invites us to step into the child’s world, to understand what’s going on beneath the surface, and to respond in a way that feels safe and respectful. Over time, this helps children build the emotional awareness and regulation skills they need not just to cope, but to thrive, both in the moment and long term.
The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching is most effective when it is applied consistently, with compassion and curiosity. Each step plays a crucial role in helping children feel understood, supported, and emotionally safe.
1. Be Aware of the Child’s Emotions
The starting point of emotion coaching is noticing how your child is feeling, even if they’re not saying it out loud.
What this means: Pay attention to subtle changes in behaviour, tone of voice, body language, energy levels or daily routines. These small shifts often signal emotional discomfort.
Why it matters: When adults notice and respond early, it prevents emotions from building up and teaches children that their feelings matter, even when unspoken.
Example: If your usually chatty child is quiet after school, gently ask, “You seem a bit quiet today. Want to talk about it?”
2. Connect with Empathy
Once you’ve picked up on an emotional cue, respond with calm and curiosity. This is a chance to build trust and connection.
What this means: Rather than correcting or distracting, show your child that you care and that their emotions are safe to share.
Why it matters: Empathetic responses help children feel secure and understood, making it easier for them to open up.
Example: Get down to their level and say softly, “It looks like something’s bothering you. I’m here if you want to talk.”
3. Listen and Validate Feelings
Big emotions can be overwhelming. Children need to know it’s okay to feel what they feel.
What this means: Give them your full attention. Don’t rush to fix things—just listen and show you understand.
Why it matters: Validation reduces shame and builds emotional safety, helping children process feelings rather than push them down.
Example: Instead of “There’s no need to cry,” try “I can see why that upset you. It was a big disappointment.”
4. Help Label the Emotion
Children often struggle to name what they’re feeling. Putting words to emotions helps them make sense of their experiences.
What this means: Offer simple, accurate labels for their feelings and link them to what’s happened.
Why it matters: Labelling builds emotional literacy and helps children communicate more clearly in future.
Example: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because your game didn’t go how you wanted.” You might also use books or feelings charts for extra support.
5. Set Boundaries and Problem-Solve
All feelings are valid, but not all behaviours are okay. Children need guidance on how to express emotions in a safe way.
What this means: After acknowledging the feeling, help them calm down and work through what to do next.
Why it matters: This teaches emotional regulation and decision-making. Children learn that while they can’t always control how they feel, they can choose how to respond.
Example: “It’s alright to feel angry, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s take a few deep breaths, then we can talk about what happened with your brother.”
How Emotion Coaching Supports Counselling and Therapy
Emotion coaching and therapeutic support go hand in hand. When a child is attending counselling, whether that’s play therapy, talking therapy, or family work, emotion coaching at home can provide the emotional continuity they need to truly flourish. It’s a way for parents and carers to stay connected to the heart of the therapeutic process, creating a bridge between the counselling room and everyday life.
In many ways, emotion coaching extends the benefits of therapy into the home environment, helping children feel emotionally safe and supported beyond their sessions, and reinforcing the emotional skills that therapy is helping to build.
Here are some of the ways that emotion coaching complements and strengthens therapeutic work:
Builds Emotional Awareness
One of the foundations of many therapeutic approaches is helping children become more aware of what they’re feeling. For some, especially those who’ve experienced trauma or emotional overwhelm, this can be a slow and delicate process. When parents or caregivers gently help children name and understand their emotions at home, it supports and accelerates the same work being done in therapy.
Small, everyday moments become opportunities for growth, whether it’s recognising frustration when a toy breaks, or sadness when a friend isn’t around to play. Over time, this helps children feel more confident in understanding and expressing their inner world.
Creates Emotional Safety and Consistency
Children thrive when they feel safe, physically and emotionally. Counselling offers a protected space for expression, but for the therapeutic process to take root, children need to experience that same sense of safety at home.
Emotion coaching provides a framework for consistent, compassionate responses to emotions, no matter how messy or inconvenient they may seem in the moment. This predictability gives children the reassurance they need to be vulnerable and honest, both at home and in therapy.
Supports Emotional Regulation
Learning to regulate big feelings is a key part of emotional development, and often a focus in therapy. But regulation isn’t something that can be taught through words alone, it’s learned through co-regulation with a calm, attuned adult.
When parents use emotion coaching, they model what it looks like to stay present and grounded in the face of strong emotions. Rather than reacting with frustration or shutting emotions down, they guide their child through it. Over time, this helps children internalise those responses and begin to regulate more independently.
Strengthens the Therapeutic Relationship
The relationship between a child and their therapist is central to the success of counselling. But that relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it’s deeply influenced by the child’s experiences with their primary caregivers.
When a child feels secure, seen, and emotionally held at home, they’re more likely to engage openly and trust their therapist. Emotion coaching fosters that security, helping children show up more fully in therapy and be more open to change.
Empowers Parents and Carers
One of the most common questions we hear from families is, "What can I do to help?" Emotion coaching offers a clear, practical answer.
It gives parents and carers a meaningful role in their child’s emotional growth, without the pressure of having to “fix” everything. Instead of feeling helpless in the face of meltdowns or emotional shutdowns, they have tools they can use with compassion and confidence.
It also helps parents to slow down, reflect, and respond rather than react, something that can be transformative not just for the child, but for the whole family dynamic.
Practical Emotion Coaching Phrases to Use at Home
Emotion coaching doesn’t require a script or perfect timing. In fact, it’s often most powerful when gently woven into the everyday rhythms of family life, whether during school runs, mealtimes, or those tricky moments before bed. It’s about how we respond to our children when they’re struggling, and how we help them feel seen, heard, and safe.
Here are a few phrases that can make a real difference:
“It’s okay to feel that way. I’m here with you.” - This offers reassurance and acceptance. It tells your child that their feelings are not a problem, and that they don’t have to face them alone.
“I can see you’re feeling really upset. Do you want to talk about it together?” - This invites connection rather than correction. It also gives your child some control over how much they want to share, which is especially important when emotions are running high.
“That sounds really disappointing. I’d feel that way too.” - When we acknowledge a child’s perspective, we help them make sense of their emotions instead of feeling ashamed or misunderstood.
These kinds of responses might seem small, but over time, they create a foundation of emotional trust. They show your child that emotions, whether joyful or difficult, are safe to express and worth paying attention to.
Of course, real life isn’t always calm or convenient. You won’t always get it right, and that’s completely normal. There might be mornings when you’re rushing out the door, or evenings when everyone’s tired and tempers are short. What matters is the intention behind your words, and the message that underneath it all, you’re there, listening, caring, and trying to understand.
Consistency matters more than perfection. Even simple phrases, offered with warmth and presence, can go a long way in helping your child feel secure and emotionally supported.
Additional Resources for Parents and Practitioners
If you’re looking to deepen your understanding of emotion coaching, these resources provide valuable guidance:
Emotion Coaching UK – Professional training and parenting tools
The Gottman Institute – Research-based resources for emotional intelligence
PACE Model – DDP Network – A therapeutic parenting model aligned with emotion coaching
Why Emotion Coaching Matters for Children’s Mental Health
Emotion coaching isn’t just another parenting technique or behaviour management tool. At its heart, it’s about relationships. It’s a way of helping children feel understood, supported, and safe as they navigate the ups and downs of their emotional world.
By consistently responding to a child’s feelings with empathy and curiosity, we show them that emotions, no matter how big or uncomfortable, are a normal part of being human. Over time, this helps children develop greater emotional intelligence, build resilience, and feel more confident in managing their inner experiences.
In the context of counselling or therapeutic work, emotion coaching becomes even more powerful. It acts as a bridge between what happens in the therapy room and what unfolds in everyday life. The emotional tools a child learns with their therapist are more likely to take root when they’re reinforced at home, in real moments of challenge or connection.
It also invites parents and carers to play an active role in their child’s healing journey. Rather than standing on the sidelines, they become emotionally attuned guides, helping their child feel seen, supported, and capable. This shared approach promotes not only emotional stability in the present, but long-term wellbeing that carries into the future.
Realistically, it won’t always be easy. There will be tired evenings, stressful mornings, and moments when emotions run high on all sides. But with compassion, consistency, and patience, emotion coaching helps create a home environment where children can truly thrive in all aspects of their emotional and mental wellbeing.
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